and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
