Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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