franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize