Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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