I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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