i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize