Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
A+ Viking dick
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
