Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i love accidental penises.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
