My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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