Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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