mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He did a backflip because drugs
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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