She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
