is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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