I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
