Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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