I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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