I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
