Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
