never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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