I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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