i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
