Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
