ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
