I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
