i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
