I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
