I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
time to smoke my breakfast
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
