the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Randomize
