A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
