You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
