id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
