my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
