Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
