the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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