the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
