this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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