We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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