five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
