do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
