you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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