Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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