Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
