you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
