no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize