You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
