i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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