my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
not ubering you a puppy
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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