Where are you?
In a non slutty way
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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