It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Congratulations! We have a period
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize