i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize