we made out on top of his cat.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
