This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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