Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
