Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
