just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
