2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
