i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
