Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
